To Lap Band or not to Lap Band

That is my question..hopefully I will have an answer in a few weeks.  I made a long overdue appointment with a well respected gastric surgeon to discuss any options I may have.  My guess is that lap band will be all that is offered to me, and I am alright with that.  I know that there will be some prep work before the actual surgery, but this is the first step.  A necessary evil.  I pray that it is the right decision.  I always thought that determination and strong will would lead me throught this, and sometimes it has guided me partially down the path.  Unfortunately, I always found my way (weigh) back with a few extra souvenirs to carry until the next trip.  I have to face the fact that I am not capable mentally to do this on my own.

leaving comments on other blogs

I have been having a problem when trying to leave comments to other blogs that I am following. When I try to leave my comment, it asks that you type a word ( or two) into a box for verification. Most often- there is no box. I try a few times and then have to give up in frustration. Can someone let me know what I am doing wrong? Thanks.

The skinny on the Madwoman

So I have written 3 posts and have yet to explain who I am...I am a 40 something single mom that works as a legal assistant . I have a young adult daughter and a dog ( the infamous CookieGirl already spoken of).
I have weighed over 3oo pounds for almost 20 years-wow that is deep. I becan to stress eat even more when I became sick early last year and unfortunately went misdiagnosed month after month. "Panic attack", "Acid reflux", "classic anxiety". My primary and his partners couldn't see past the fact that I was fat and didn't take my symptoms seriously. I would tell them how I felt, how I felt like my stomach was rising like on a rollercoaster ( not nausea). Sleep apnea- if I didn't hear those words once I heard them a hundred times.. Yeah, yeah, sleep apnea- I will take a test, but it has NOTHING to do with what I am talking to you about doc. You heard of stuck on stupid? Well my doctor was stuck on sleep apnea. Any question, any complaint, any anything- sleep apnea.
I got blank stares. I said " driving makes me feel weird-not carsick." More blank stares.
I said " Something went up my back and through the top of my head- sort of like when the Incredible Hulk turns into the Incredible Hulk". They thought I was crazy.
I said " my forehead feels weird"- like when do you ever "Feel" the muscles in your forehead ( for me never before). "My left eye feels strained-it actually hurts on the inside"..Bottomline, the doctors thought I was a hypochondriac- a very fat hypochondriac. I started to feel like I was going to die before anyone heard me. Each month the symptoms got worse. Which caused me to be upset and further confirm their diagnosis of panic attack.
Finally, the doctor sent me to a neurologist because he gave up on hearing my monthly complaints ( I have Atrial Fibrillation and go to the doctor every month to have my coumadin level checked).
Well, guess what- the fat hypochondriac was told that she had "classic" seizure symptoms and a brain MRI and a EEG(?) were performed and confirmed temporal lobe seizures!
Now don't get me wrong- I am not happy but boy was I happy!!!
Boy was I glad to go in to my primary with a diagnosis. There was something wrong with me! Yahoo! Please realize that playful banter aside, I am shaking my head in disgust as I write this..
Now my reason for getting into all of this is to talk about how my health is going to the crapper.
I am currently taking medication for :
High blood pressure
High Cholesterol
Atrial Fibrillation ( not weight related)
Seizures ( apparently menstrually related)
Oh yeah- and lucky me- I do have sleep apnea...so the dreaded CPAP machine.
Can it get any worse?
Yeah actually it can- thank goodness I do not have diabetes or any other disease- at this point my blood pressure,cholesterol and perhaps even the sleep apnea can be cleared up with weightloss.
CAN IT BE ANY PLAINER THAN THAT? No. SO THEN WHY CAN'T I DO THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL???
To be continued...( I am at work )

Irritations

I have been trying to hold back on sharing all the random thoughts that have plagued my brain for so long-trying not to overwhelm and scare away any reader that may have stumbled upon my page. So I have been rationing my thoughts and trying to organize how I want to share so many things. I think the best approach is a little at a time, just as you add flour to the cookie making mixture. If you add too much, the flour goes flying and all you have is a big mess. I don't want this blog to turn into a big mess!

So today I have decided that I want to talk about things that irritate me. Irk me. Kinda piss me off. You get the idea.

For the record- I irritate myself. I hate how I act sometimes. I hate how I feel the need to joke around when the subject isn't funny. Just to take the attention off of the true issue. I complain about my boss not valueing my opinions yet, I joke around so much, perhaps I have brought that upon myself. I am irritated that I cannot act like one of the mature 40 somethings in the office. I hate how I allow myself to be the the proverbial toilet paper- you know the person that you can just shit on. The doormat that people just walk all over. I hate that I let people depend on me, yet I insist that I stand alone and depend on noone-not for anything. I actually resist help.

I am irritated that I am the gauge upon which others use to explain "how fat" so and so is, or how the person is "big but not as big as you". Like really -go to hell. I wish I used that same gauge to say how ugly someone is and use them for the example. See how they like it.
At the same time, I have no real perception of body image. Time and time again I will watch the shows on the morbidly obese, or just weight related shows, and have to ask my daughter- am I bigger than her? Do I look like her? Why does she have "normal" size legs, arms etc., and I have everything fat? Why why why..And I know why. I just want her to lie - to say something to make me feel "not so big". And that irritates me. And she does say things to make me feel better- to justify why...but it doesn't make me feel better-because I know why she is saying it- And guess what- THAT IRRITATES ME!!

I am irritated that people who have had amazing weightloss hold up their "fat pants" and make a mockery of the fact that they used to be "THAT BIG". I feel that by doing that, you are slapping all the people that are trying to get out of those pants right in the face. I am also irritated by the fact that those same people do not realize that statistically, within a year or two of holding up those pants, they could be back in them. Of course I don't wish that upon anyone, and I admire all of those people for their hardwork, dedication and ultimate victory, I just hate the holding up of the pants. At the same time, I have no problem when I see the same person wearing the old pants and showing the major gap they have now, or when two people climb in the same old pants- to me that doesn't seem insulting.
Do you see a difference-or is it just me?

I am irritated with THE BIGGEST LOSER. I watch the show, and support all of the contestants, but I am so enraged by the things that the producers/trainers etc., make the contestants endure. At the weight that these people are ( specifically the last two seasons, especially THIS season), the physical expectations that they have put upon these people is bordering on abusive. The contestants on this show are morbidly obese. Expecting their joints, hearts, and other organs to perform like average weight adults is dangerous, stupid and unrealistic. Last season at the beginning of the show, the woman passes out and is hospitalized. Then someone else is in the hospital. That should have been a warning to that show- they are messing with fire. But do they take heed? NO. They go for even bigger contestants this season. God knows what we don't see on tape. These people have signed a contract, thought the worse that could happen is have Jillian scream at them a bit, and they would have an exercise and diet program that would help them lose boo-koo's of weight. There is no way anyone can convince me that the amounts of weight these people lose in such a short time is healthy. Work out or no work out- it is not healthy to lose 20 pounds in a week- first week or not. On another note- the degrading factor of making them remove their shirts for shock value to the audience is another thing that irritates the crap out of me. Strip them of their dignity, humiliate them, and then make them think you are there to help them. Sounds like an abusive spouse if you ask me.

So now that I have written all that, I am angry. Lol. I thought it would be a cleansing. To put my thoughts down and set them free. No, it has irritated me more to have thought of all the things that irritate me at one time. I have irritation overload. I think I need a Diet Coke. Even though I prefer Diet Pepsi =]

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Is it fat acceptance that I am after? Definitely not- not for me personally. It is human acceptance that I am after. I think that if I accept wanting to be accepted for being fat, then I am not only helping dehumanize myself, agreeing with society that I am fat first, human second, but that also it will act as a scapegoat for not losing weight. A way of giving myself approval to be obese, a way of saying Hey! It's ok that I am morbidly obese and getting bigger every year.

And I know that it is not ok. And I know that I do not want to be that person. I wish I was a genie and could just blink myself thin. And healthy. And happy.
Yeah.

What I think I really want is respect. Not to be thought of as that fat...(insert noun here). I want to be taken seriously. My boss just disregards most of what I say, and I am sure it is because he looks at me as that fat girl that isn't important, and what she has to say isn't important. I have tested this theory out, as I have ran some ideas through a skinny counterpart, who voiced them to the boss, and action was taken. VALIDATION.
Don't misunderstand-my boss cares about me. He really does. But he doesn't respect my opinion and that is because of my weight. And that SUCKS.

My family has that same lack of respect. I have a bunch of brothers, and we are all overweight, although they are not as big as I am- they have always referred to me as "cowie" or "fat girl". Literally, like those were my name.
Now the fact that I was a teenager and being called these names at about 160 pounds really pisses me off. What I would do to be that weight now! How I would prevent them from stripping my self esteem and help to put me on this wheel of self destruction. My feelings of not being worthy, not being good enough, all brought on because of WEIGHT.
Makes me sick.

My mother was a conservative woman when it came to raising a daughter, and as a result, even though I grew up in the 70's ( born in mid 60's) a time when girls were able to wear pants, I was not. Not for religious reasons, but for whatever reason my mother felt was right. So, everyday for school, I wore a dress and leotards. The only reprieve I ever got was in the summer when I could wear shorts and ride a bike. I remember in 6th grade, a time when girls are starting to want to look cute and stylish, a boy two years older came up to me and asked why I wear a dress everyday. I had no answer. Seems harmless, but it stayed with me till this day.

As a continuation of that conservatism, I was limited in my contact with boys. One afternoon when I was about 13, my brother came in and told my mom that a boy wanted me to come out to the school where kids my age hung out. From that day until I was about 15 I wasn't allowed off the property after school. Nice. So, I never learned to have those interactions with the opposite sex. The playful banter and harmless flirting. The freedom to be comfortable with my looks and what the opposite sex actually thought of me. I missed out on all that. It may seem like nothing to those reading this, but to me I think it really played a part in my lack of self esteem.

Now you may be wondering- what happened to change that when I was 15. I moved away from home because my parents were having marital problems and my mother had decided that to try to save the marriage, they needed to lose the kids for a while. I kid you not.
So I went to live with a cousin. And that is where the weight gain really began.

Begin at the beginning

So yeah, hello to anyone that stumbles on this blog. Today is not only day one of blogging, but also day one of trying to lose weight- for the 450th time. It is actually a continuation of last weeks commitment-after a screw up yesterday. I came across this blogsite while trying to access someone's blog called "imsupersuper". It appears that her blog can only be read by invitation, and as I was thinking about that, I decided what the hell- why don't I just make my own. So here I am. And here you are. Amazing how the internet works. Instant access to just about anything that peaks our curiosity.
Ok, well that is pretty mundane, so let me spice it up a bit with some personal information.
My blog is not called CookieGirl because I like cookies-although give me some homemade chocolate chip cookies and I am a happy camper.
My blog is called CookieGirl mainly because I wanted to be able to make a blog that wouldn't be instantly identifiable by co-workers, etc., and yet still be a name I could identify with.
Cookie is my bichonpoo's name, and more often than not, we call her Cookie Girl. So there you have it. Literally nothing to do with cookies that you eat.
Now, you ask- why did we name our dog Cookie-was it after a cookie? Does she look like a cookie? Does she eat cookies? No, to all of the above. My daughter rejected every name that I came up with -Lola, Bella, Roxi, Calli-even Pepsi and Snickers..lol
I randomly said Cookie and she liked it. There you have it. Generically Cookie.
Now, Snickers-that is a name I would have loved..after all-it really satisfies.